Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
