My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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