Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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