why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
