These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my sisters under your porch take her home
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
