I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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