I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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