It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
