I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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