if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
