i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
