she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
