You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
