You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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