Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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