Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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