I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
