I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize