New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
