Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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