Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
