I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
