I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
