he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
