So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
