So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
