oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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