Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
did you just send me my own nude
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
