So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
