Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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