I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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