I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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