just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
