my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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