last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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