Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
