Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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