If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
