I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
