ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
