i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize