I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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