To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
