I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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