if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Randomize