I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
