He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
