Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I can't put those talents on a resume
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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