my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
