i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
