John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
