So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize