I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
