My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
