Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
i need some magic done to my vagina
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize