All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You made out with two different species that night
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
