i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
