I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
